Swiss Crack
by ExtraPenguin
Summary: Germany enlists Hungary to help hook Switzerland up with someone. SwitzHun, GerUkr, other crack pairings.
1. Maybe he's just lonely?

Warnings: stalking, violence, sexytiems (in later chapters), OCs (from my fic on the Finnish Civil War). Oh, and the ellipses stand for *pant*, because AutoFormat's a bitch.

**My word processor runs on reviews.**

_Disclaimer: Don't own._

(*.*)

Germany sighed. Once again Italy had streaked through Switzerland's garden, this time with only three bullet holes in his body. Switzerland would most likely be sending Italy's boss a bill for the bullets right now.

"Vee~ Doitsu, it hurts!" Italy squealed as Germany tried his best to treat his wounds. Thankfully, being a nation, they would heal on their own. However, the process would hurt a bit, so best to treat them normally as well.

"Veh, why's Swissy such a mean person?" Italy asked somewhat disheartenedly.

Germany had just shrugged when it hit him – what about giving his neighbor something else to do other than shoot people?

(*.*)

After Italy had gone home, Germany sat down an thought about Switzerland. He was unlikely to start using his mode two (raver high on who knows what) as a default with Liechtenstein around, and Germany sure as hell didn't want the Swiss' occasional horny visits whilst under the influence to become regular. Germany wondered how often Austria had to deal with that particular problem. Probably not very often, Switzerland certainly didn't seem to be going anywhere near France, Italy or Liechtenstein whilst high, which was probably for the best, really.

Germany thought for a moment more, then decided that the best course of action would be to hook the gun freak up with someone. He reached for his phone.

"Hello, Hungary. Switzerland is becoming rather annoying. Perhaps we should hook him up with someone?"

"_Well, certainly not Liechtenstein, he still hates Austria, and Prussia would also be a very bad choice. If the way he's been __acting towards France in the past is any indication, he'd probably reach for his machine gun before France could smile. And I don't think he'd appreciate getting hooked up with Italy, either."_ she paused, _"But your idea is perfect. From what I can tell, our darling landlockee hasn't had any action in his lower regions for as long as I've had cameras in his bedroom. Well, not with anything animate, anyway."_

"So, who's left?"

"_Perhaps England? Oh, and he occasionally doesn't come home at evenings. Do you-"_

"You're probably talking about him going out to some rave, getting high with LSD or something, then wandering over to my house and sleeping over on my couch. He disappears between one and six AM."

"_It seems our intel is lacking. I think we need to go spy on him before taking any further actions. Meet you at whatever country's house he's visiting right now."_

"Finland's? Uh, Hungary, I really don't think-"

(*.*)

Later that evening, Germany and Hungary were perched under Finland's window, listening to him talking to Switzerland.

"So, exactly how neutral are you?"

"Oh, I will defend myself if attacked. I won't attack others, _not even Russia_, and I'll try my best to stay out of any war that might be declared on the EU."

The comment on "not even Russia" was most certainly adressed at someone else in the room, most likely Finland's rather psychotic elder sister.

"Erm, Finland-"

"Look, if you want to come, it's generally considered polite to announce first." Germany and Hungary slowly lifted their heads to see an annoyed Finn looking down on them through the now-open window.

(*.*)

Five minutes later, Germany and Hungary were standing at his front porch, having run all the way from Kokkola.

"And I thought … Liechtenstein … had a … violent … older … sibling!"

"Your … account may … be biased by … the fact that … there's two … of them", Germany finished.

(*.*)

"No way! I am too awesome to go seduce the chocolate whore!"

"Prussia!"

"Hey, Germany, how about someone only he could handle, like … Belarus?"

"Remember what she did to Lithuania? Oh, and she still wants to become one with her brother."

"Alright." Hungary produced from her pocket a list of nations, sorted alphabetically. "America?"

"Would be filled with bullet holes three seconds into the date."

"Not Austria... We already discussed Belarus... Belgium?"

"She's gay. I know, because I'm so AWESOME!"

"Bulgaria?"

"No."

"Canada?"

"Who is he, anyway?"

"America's hat. I know, because I'm so awesome!"

"China?"

"Well, at least the red shirt he wears wouldn't show any blood..."

"Cuba?"

"No."

"Denmark?"

"There would be a war going on in the in-between point, in other words, my living room."

"Egypt?"

"...He doesn't speak."

"England?"

"Pairing up the two tsunderes isn't going to get very far, you know."

"Estonia?"

"Have they even met?"

"Finland?"

"With Fin's siblings... They'd never get past first base."

"France?"

"No. Just no."

"Greece?"

"No way."

"Hong Kong?"

"...Would ge better with Poland."

"Iceland?"

"Bullets would fly."

"The Italies?"

"One of them is a ditz, the other a tsundere."

"Japan?"

"Sushi's gonna get turned into Swiss cheese!"

"... I believe my brother's comment was sufficient."

"Korea?"

"Have you ever met him? And you wanted to punch him? So does everyone."

"Latvia?"

"Would be a nervous wreck. Perhaps Switz would adopt him?"

"Hmm. Interesting thought there. Liechtenstein... Lithuania?"

"Well, he _is_ the suicide capital of the world..."

"Okay, so, circle Lithuania... Norway?"

"I'd be tempted to say no. He still jumps when he hears people speak German."

"Oh. Poland?"

"Um, no."

"Russia?"

"Switzerland is actually a rather nice neighbor, once you get past the gunshots and the nights of LSD. So, no way in hell."

"Spain?"

"Call me a horrid judge of character, but no."

"I won't. Sweden?"

"Is still blindly in love with Finland."

"Well, how about Switze- Oh wait. Sorry. Turkey?"

"Isn't he a madman who runs around with a mask on his head?"

"Yeah. He could be our backup option. Ukraine?"

"Aren't you supposed to be a huge yaoi fan?"

"Ohh, my little brother's dating someone! My Awesome is rubbing off! Kesesese~"

"Hm. Well, we'll set up Switzerland with Lithuania, and failing that, Turkey."

"Wait! The awesome me has a comment!"

"Well?"

"You didn't skipped yourself and Germany."

"Well, Germany's already dating– Oh all right. I'll be backup #2."

(*.*)

A/N: Yep, pairings here will be GerUrk, Switzerland with someone who isn't Austria or Liechtenstein, Hungary getting her hands on some yaoi, and Finland with someone other than Sweden.

TBC.


	2. The four Horsemen of the Yaoicalypse

**My word processor runs on reviews.**

Do not expect anything like an update schedule from me.

Disclaimer: Don't own.

* * *

"So, you wanted to talk business?"

"Erm, I guess." Lithuania was baffled. Hadn't Switzerland invited him here?

"STATE YOUR OPINIONS CLEARLY!" Switzerland shouted as he almost jumped on the table. Lithuania felt himself start to curl into a fetal position.

"So, why exactly were you spying on me last Tuesday?" Finland whispered from under the bar's window.

"Actually, we were spying on Switzerland", Hungary whispered back as she adjusted her periscope.

"And got caught because you didn't have the awesome me with!"

"Shh!"

"Germany, video working okay?"

"Ja, it would appear so."

Finland coughed. "They don't seem to be getting on very well."

Hungary peeked through her periscope.

"Finland, that's well on its way to becoming the understatement of the century", Hungary said as Lithuania ran out the door. The four horseriders of Yaoi-faniness promptly ran off to analyze their video footage in hopes of making Switzerland's next "date" more enjoyable for both participants.

(*)

"Well, it was... Different?"

"If by that, Preußen, you mean 'Failed spectacularly but in a rather different way to the previous one', then you win absolutely nothing for being correct."

"Who's next on our list?"

"Erm... Actually, we only had two people on the list."

"Unkari! You should always prepare for the worst-case scenario!"

"Oh all right Fin, I'll go and try to seduce him. But then I won't be getting any gay porn out of it, so I expect you to make up for it", Hungary said before walking off.

"Is there in existance a sex tape between two guys that she doesn't have?"

"My awesomeness will surely find one!"

"Bruder, you might have to make one to fill that gap."

"I'm sure Specs won't mind. It _is_ his ex-wife, after all."

"Um, Germany, Prussia..."

"Yes?"

"You didn't ask Switzerland's opinion of hooking him up with people."

Finland gave them his I'm-not-besieging-Staliningrad look. "You really shouldn't assume things about others like that. What if he already has a date? Or just doesn't want one?" Finland then proceeded to switch to his I-will-not-become-a-Nazi-or-go-exterminate-any-Jewish-populations look. "You should respect peoples' decisions and accept them as valid, provided they don't harm others! Opinions are wonderful things, you shouldn't try to force yours onto anyone else! The same goes for any choices in lifestyle one makes."

"So, what should I do when Switzerland turns up at my house high on some kind of hallucinogenic? Congratulate him on having made an independent choice?"

"Take care of him. And I'm sure Switzerland has evaluated the question rather carefully in his mind. If you still feel concerned for him, bring it up _once_ when he's sober." Finland paused. "Trying to manipulate people into changing themselves into something they wouldn't want to be changed into or doing something they wouldn't do is the most despicable act a human can do! When Hungary is out seducing Switzerland, she's trying to manipulate him into doing something he wouldn't do! It should-"

"Hey the awesome me has an awesome plan!"

"_What._" Finland said, exasperated at being interrupted yet again.

"I have sex with you, my little brother tapes it, we give the tape to Hungary. Problem solved."

"Prussia, what has that got to do with a violation of Switzerland's mental autonomy?"

"Erm, Prussia, isn't Finland still dating Swe-"

"_For the four billionth time, _Sweden is _just_ a neighbor. A _neighbor_. Wrap your heads around _that_- Hey! No fair! Prussia, this is a massive violation of my bodily autonomy! Put me down!"

"Kesesese~ Hey bro, go get the video camera ready. This nation's disappearing into my room~"

"Your room? And here I was, always thinking it was a pigsty."

"I'm way too awesome to sleep in a pigsty!"

"Prussia, you can have sex with me and tape it, but on one condition..."

"What's it, Fin?"

"I get to top."

* * *

A/N: Yeah, this one's despicably short, I know. But in the next chapter, you get Swiss-Hungarian seduction attempts to make up! See ya.


	3. No! Not there! Please!

**My word processor runs on reviews.**

Warnings: implied sort-of semi non-con

Disclaimer: Don't own.

* * *

Switzerland sighed and sat down on the nearest chair. The meeting with Turkey had _not_ gone well. Or rather, it had gone very, _very_ badly.

And now he had a feeling that someone was watching him.

He told himself to calm down. He had his gun with him. It was his house. What could happen? After some minutes, Switzerland felt calm enough to put his gun down and poured himself a glass of water.

That feeling of calmness dissipated completely when he heard someone speak.

"Only water? Oh, how I was hoping for some fine wine. Ah well, got to make do with what we have, don't we~?"

His gun was gone, and that fact was the only one that filled his mind as he heard footsteps from behind him. He backed up, trying to calculate how likely it was that he'd get to one of his hidden gun stashes before the intruder would get him. Then again, the intruder had a gun, so-

Hungary stepped out, saying, "You know, you're very cute when you're so concerned."

"I refuse to have sex with anyone on tape for your entertainment!"

"Aww. But no, your concerns are unwarranted. Tonight won't be on tape." Switzerland backed away. "Tonight won't have observers." Switzerland was almost at the stairs. "Tonight I will be yours." Switzerland reached for one of his hidden guns. "Whether you want it or not." His hand closed around a fencing foil instead. Damn, he'd been thinking about the wrong staircase.

He opted to run. Perhaps Hungary would leave him alone if she couldn't find him.

Discarding the foil into its holding place, he made a break for it. He could hear Hungary following him.

(*)

He ran and he ran, down corridors unused for decades from when his house had been a royal castle. His pursuer wasn't giving up. Perhaps he should stop to talk? Preferrably next to a hidden gun.

Switzerland slowed down before realizing that he'd never planned to be in this wing in need of a gun and without one. He silently cursed himself for not being paranoid enough.

"So, darling, finally accepting my humble request?" she said in a seductive tone.

Her dress was very revealing and rather translucent.

"Get out of here before you corrupt Liechtenstein's innocence!" Switzerland commanded.

"I'll do that as soon as you give in to me, darling."

She stepped closer. Oh God, she smelled so _good_, he almost wanted to-

_Inappropriate thoughts stop there._

"Don't you want to conquer me?"

"No." He backed up further into the wall. "T-that makes me sound like some sort of sick pervert."

Hungary put on a very, very _distracting_ smile. "Become one with me?" Her expression changed to pleading. "Just for tonight?"

She stepped closer to him, and Switzerland felt more of his carefully constucted walls crumble to dust.

"Yes", Switzerland heard himself say, and Hungary gave a suggestive smile, and suddenly the roles were reversed, he was chasing her down the hallways.

He was certain he would win. He was slightly taller and trained more. But above all, because she wanted him to catch her.

"Whoops, you caught me", Hungary said, looking so damn _good_ Switzerland could barely restrain himself from doing it there and then. But sheets were _so_ much easier to change that to scrub the wooden floor clean.

"Indeed I did, my darling temptress."

He had her pinned to a door. They kissed.

After what felt like an eternity, Switzerland lifted Hungary up, bridal style, and carried her to his room.

(*)

Liechtenstein started packing her suitcase soon after hearing Hungary and Switzerland's exchange. Which had happened _right in front of her door_. She'd been corrupted enough by the internet to know what was going to happen next, and was glad that they'd disappeared into some room. Probably her brother's.

She threw in the pajamas she'd meant to give to her brother and thought about whose place to go to. Her brother would start World War Three if she were to stay at most nations' places, but she figured Iceland would be safe enough. She reached for her phone to order the place tickets.

(*)

Hungary was woken by the first rays of the sun.

After some blinking, she trusted her eyes enough to tell that she wasn't in her house, or Austria's for that matter. Also, she was still in bed, cuddling/being cuddled by a blond partially draped over her. Said blond moved a bit, muttering something about how he wasn't a morning person.

The memories of last night came back. The blond was Switzerland, and she _really_ needed to do this more often. The night had been fantastic. What left to be seen was how he'd react after he woke up.

"Mnh... Hun- Hungary?" Switzerland said, looking up, eyes still half closed.

"Yes. Darling."

He blinked, shaking her head. He then seemed to realise they were both naked, and offered to look away while she dressed. He looked _really_ cute with a blush on his cheeks.

"Erm... Switzerland darling?"

"S-stop calling me that!"

Hungary smiled at the way his blush was reflecting off the white wall, then coughed and asked him to turn around. She was holding last night's dress in her hand, which turned out to be even more translucent now that they had a chance to see it properly.

"Um... I'll go see if I've got anything you could borrow", he said, gaze somehow managing to avoid her naked body before he rose up, also naked, to go get her some clothes. He rummaged through his wardrobe for a bit, then realised he was naked and threw some clothes on.

"Hungary? You know how stingy I am, right? Well, the same applies to clothes. I am _unable_ to throw any gift clothes away. So, don't be freaked out if you see some weird ones."

He gestured for her to follow him into a side room. As he rummaged through the contents, Hungary caught glimpse of at least an SS uniform, a transparent nightgown, a Heidi dress and a bizarre helmet.

"What's up with the Heidi dress?"

"Austria sent it back in 1798, when France was invading. Absolutely _useless!_"

Hungary did not pursue the matter further.

(*)

* * *

A/N: Okay, I skipped the smex. Sorry gaiz, no lemon. I might try for next chapter (Finland x Prussia + Germany with video camera.)


	4. The All European Relationship Drama I

Sorry if this reads like some sort of IKEA assembly instructions – first time writing anything lemony.

Also sorry if this is a bit late, I was out cosplaying, and then hit writer's block on the second hald of the ch.

Don't own. And the rating's getting upped to M.

* * *

"Finland! This is a porn tape we're filming! Try to look less like some ancient college professor!"  
"Whatever you say, Mister Director." Nothing changed.  
Finland was currently unbuttoning Prussia's shirt, Prussia was trying to sound sexy but sounding more like an asthmatic bellows, and Germany was trying not to laugh, having put the camera down on a table.  
"Now, Prussia, this here is lube. It is necessary for-"  
"Dammit, you're supposed to _fuck_ the awesome me, not give me a _lecture_!"  
"Oh all right." Finland squirted some of the lube onto his fingers, somehow managing to look bored.  
"Hurry up! My awesome five meters is feeling the cold!"  
"Shut up unless you want me to stop." With that, Finland started to prep Prussia for what was coming. It really was remarkable how Finland managed to look like a renowned professor even whilst naked and lubing a loud albino.  
Finland entered Prussia. Germany reached to the camera and zoomed in on the scene.  
"Ooh! Mmph, you- you're almost as awesome as me! Oomph! Aah~!"  
Finland yawned whilst Prussia writhed beneath him, bucking and moaning, before commenting, "If you keep trashing like that, I won't be able to hit your prostate."  
At that moment, Germany had to muffle his laughter with his hand.  
Soon after, Prussia came, screeching wildly. Finland sighed, then came out and started dressing.  
"Hey, you can't just _leave_ after sex!"  
"I am not _leaving, _I am _getting dressed_ so I will be better suited to give my lecture on bodily autonomy!"  
Germany ended the recording, started a new one, then zoomed in on Finland's now-seated figure as the latter started giving his lecture on bodily autonomy and women's rights.

(*.*)

Iceland's doorbell rang. He groaned as he got up off his couch to answer it.  
"Liechtenstein?"  
"Yeah. Nice to see you, Ice."  
"What're you doing here? Won't your brother kill you?"  
"To answer both of your questions: Swissy is currently fucking Hungary. I hope their relationship will be long and fruitful."  
"So you decided to come to my place?"  
"Yes."  
"What if your brother kills me?"  
"I'll make it clear to him that if he does that, I'll hate him forever and give France those images of him cosplaying Motoko Kusanagi. Now, Ice, open the door up fully, let your lady past, and carry her luggage in."

(*.*)

"... and now my wife is cheating on me with my neighbor!"  
"I only have one question, Austria."  
"Yes, England?"  
"Aristocrats are gentlemen, right?" Austria nodded. "Then _what the bloody hell are you doing_ in _my room, uninvited, at the middle of the night?_"  
Austria stared at England like he was the one who'd lost his mind.  
"And Austria?"  
"Yes?"  
"Didn't you divorce Hungary some time ago? After which you hooked up with Prussia? And haven't you been dating Germany since the seventies?"  
"That is... Beside the point."  
"Then what _is_ your point?"  
Austria paused, struggling to find the exact thought, let alone form it into a word.  
"Switzerland... He doesn't deserve her!"  
"And you rant to me because?"  
"I got lost, and you're the only person I know from here."  
"_Finally_ an honest answer! Anyway, walk down the street away from the harbor, and go to the big white villa on the right, number 83. The guy in there might be able to help you better."  
"Alright. Thank you."

(*.*)

After somehow arriving at his destination, Austria knocked at the door.  
"Ah, mon cheri Autriche, bienvenue! What brings you to me at such a late hour?"  
"I need to talk to someone experienced in such matters."  
"In that case, you have come to the righ place. Step right in!"

(*.*)

"You- You're ditching me? And replacing me with _France_?"  
"No! I am merely having France help me with certain matters."  
"In other words, you're ditching me and going back to Hungary's lap?"  
"No! It- it is merely my opinion that Switzerland doesn't deserve her."  
Germany fell silent for a moment. "Then who does?"  
"Prussia?"  
"And how about poor Schweiz?"  
Austria stiffened. "He can rot in hell for all I care. The bastard!"  
"Why?"  
"He... He's so cold and stingy. He likes shooting stuff. The idiot. I don't see what she sees in him."  
"Have these issues perhaps got anything to do with your childhood?"  
"Actually, yes."  
Austria's phone rung.  
"Yes?"  
"_Salut! France here. Our couple is staying near the French border, and... Well... Let's just say that I can hear them when I stand on the border. Ahh, the sounds of love~"_  
"Please describe them."  
"_If this – namely, sending ton cheri to spy on your ex-wife having sex with her current date – is your idea of phone sex, you're proving rather kinkier than I thought."_  
"This is not phone sex!"  
"_Ohh, and I was getting hopeful~ Anyway, they were making rather animalistic groans and screams and such, rather quiet I'd say, but to each their own, I suppose. Oh, have to go, Hungary's coming here __with her frying pan. … It appears she wants me to deliver a message to you! … Alright, here goes: 'Österreich, we divorced some time ago. Get. A. Life. And stop spying on me!' … Oh, there's more! 'Also to ex-darling: First time I had an orgasm during sex happened with Switzerland. Not you. Get the hell outta my life.' Okay, France in again, it would appear I have to leave. Notre cher Suisse appears to have found his gun, and I think my hair flurrered into his lands. Au revoir!"_

* * *

The All-European Relationship Drama has finally gotten itself rolling! Yay for me!

As for the Motoko Kusanagi thing: http:/ api. ning .com/ files/ -7*dm* -uwxU2ByH8wWV3ONMz9XSlDW2/ (remove spaces)  
Basically, badass, shapely chick who likes to shoot stuff.


	5. This Interval is Smoking Something

Okay, sorry if there are a few glitches in the previous ch. The image link won't work, so just google Motoko Kusanagi. She's totally badass. Oh, and end of next chapter I'll be making a list of pairings.

* * *

At the World Meeting, Belarus had somehow managed to corner Russia.

"Brother~ I want to become one with you~"

Russia, grasping at straws, said, "But becoming one implies sex, does it not? I wouldn't want to take your virginity."

"Been there, done that."

"So– _What?_"

"Where do you think Latvia came from?"

"You- You're my _mother?_"

"Yes, annoying thing interrupting my quest to become one with my darling brother." Belarus turned back to Russia and smiled.

"Sister?"

"Yes, darling~"

"Who's Latvia's father?"

"Finland."

At this, Sweden stood up, yelling "VAD?"

"Yes, yes. It was a long time ago, though."

"M' w'f's b'n ch'tn 'n m'!"

"For the three billionth, seven hundred thousand and forty-nine millionth, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousandth, five hundred and ninety-second time, _I am not your wife!_"

"Y' k'p c'nt?"

"Since 1947."

"'N y' h'd s'x w' B'lar's?"

"Yes, my not-even-best neighbor."

"D'n wh's y' b'st n'ghb'r? R'sha?"

"Estonia."

Meanwhile, Russia was only saved from being raped by his little sister by America's idea that they should make a family tree of all of them.

(*)

Three hours later, the family tree was complete.

"I'm Russia's half-brother?" Iceland said.

"Sweden's my father?" Russia.

"I had a kid with my half-uncle?" Belarus.

"How the bloody hell did _France_ have a kid with _Denmark?_"

"We were having sex when he popped out of the ground."

"How come the Nordics have so many children aru?"

"Children were invented in Korea da ze~"

"We didn't have contraceptives back then."

"What's happened to all the female nations that used to be here? Kievan Rus, Finno-Ugria, Arctic Islands..."

"Finno-Ugria was actually just a language's representative."

"And she had you with General Winter. Seriously, you're friggin' _Santa Claus_."

"I am also a badass sniper and one gritty soldier. Watch who you're talking to!"

(*)

Two hours later, Prussia came back to check on how his spiked water had gone down. He knew the video footage would be Awesome.

"Preußen! You are not a nation anymore! Go away!" Germany shouted when Prussia came in.

"Hey! You're all supposed to be piss drunk by now!"

Everyone was sober.

"Drat! My Awesome plan has been foiled! What happened to the spiked fruit juice?"

"We didn't drink it."

"Oh. Well, if you'll excuse me, the Awesome me will be conquering someone's vital regions! Farewell!"

* * *

A/N: Okay, this one's too short, but The All European Relationship Drama II deserves its own chapter. Meanwhile, try to guess on the side pairings. Or give me a writing prompt.

After I'm done with this one, I'll write a fic I've titled "The People's Republic of Awesomeness". Guess who's in charge?

**Oh, and the first person to review this chapter gets a gift fic!** Please note that I won't write SuFin, Foe Yay (which includes FrUK) or Switz/Liech.


	6. End Note

**Just an Author's Note here at the (very) end of this story:**

**Yes, I am alive**

**Yes, I am going to publish more**

**In relation to point 2, I'm writing a somewhat dream-ish story that operates on many levels, so it's hard to write and is holding me up. I'm thinking of starting a murder mystery and a sort-of-not-quite war story.**

**But I am far from dead.**


End file.
